Conflict Resolution

Back in the day, that's how it would have gone down...

In the past 7 years of being a Christian I have yet to see two people duke it out mano a mano. I have to say I'm pretty thankful for that.

But what do you do when somebody says or does something that offends you?

Here's what not to do:

1. Don't punch them (yeah, we established that), but further than that don't let your anger take over and turn in to anything that would make the situation worse (Ephesians 4:26a)
2. Don't ignore the situation. Offenses are a reality, it will happen. If you don't get resolution it can fester and turn into something much worse (Ephesians 4:26a).
3. Don't tell anyone else. Gossip is sin. It is directed at the person who offended you. If somebody sinned against you, how do you find resolution in sinning against them? (Proverbs 16:28)
4. Don't ignore or avoid the person who offended you. As Christians we are called to love (John 13:34), that's obvious. Don't cut another member off from your love. That will only make them feel offended.

Here is what to do:

1. Calm down. It will be okay.
2. Gain a proper perspective. We all are sinners who fall short of the glory of God. We are going to offend somebody sometime. It's how you deal with it that is important.
3. Get biblical. Read Matthew 18:15-17 “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector."

Jesus gives pretty specific instructions on what to do.

1. Confront the person personally and individually. Make sure at this point that you haven't already told anybody. Give them an opportunity to apologize. Forgive them. Repeat: forgive them.
2. Hopefully at that point they have realized their offense and apologized. If they have not, get somebody to come alongside you and approach them again. Important! Don't bring your best friend that will agree with you emphatically and disagree with the other party completely. Get someone objective, a mutual friend, someone you both trust. Give them another opportunity to apologize. Forgive them. Repeat: forgive them.
3. Hopefully at that point they have realized their offense and apologized. Hopefully at that point you have forgiven them. Now you have to get the church involved. I suggest speaking to the pastor regarding the situation, what happened, what steps you have taken to get resolution and where the process is at now. Set up a meeting with the person who offended you, the pastor, the other party involved in step 2, and yourself. Again, give them another opportunity to apologize. Forgive them. Repeat: forgive them.

At this point if they still don't realize that they have done something wrong or have hurt you, don't have anything else to do with them. Move on with your life.

I have never seen this go all the way through without forgiveness or an apology. Most people say stupid stuff without even realizing it, once they know that they have done harm they will apologize almost immediately, and praise the Lord, you have your friend back.